hi world im back again. wrote my first poem in three months. it wasn't that great but it got me out of my writing block. i'll add more poetry to my poetry page when i am ready but i'm not really yet. i love tame impala. deadass the day i meet the guy that likes tame impala is the day i'm getting fucking married. last night i was contemplating my childhood and i realize it was lowkey fucked up. like i used to be this girl that didn't care about my appearance and what other people thought. but then covid happened when i was like 11 and i basically was isolated in my grandparents basement with no human contact for hours on end everyday. my grandparents were like delirious and the only time i was allowed upstairs was to eat lunch. idk thats probably why im so socially fucking inept today. ok so i totally just trauma dumped but lol whatever
hi world i'm back! currently im on gikopoipoi in the bar and some person is streaming their techno playlist for some reason. i am so mad i have not been able to update the site at all and it annoys me. i haven't been able to do much at all. i'm starting to realize it is my obsession with my phone. i want to get off of social media and re-gain my creative energy. i haven't written a poem in god knows how long. it's wrong. i hate myself for being so distracted all the time. ruining the moments i have by scrolling away on fucking instagram reels. i need to get the fuck off of it. so yeah. thats pretty much it. i've got nothing interesting else to say.
today was so weird. like it was good but disgustingly horrible at the same time. it was good in the way that i hung out with my friends during school, and after the events i will tell you soon me and chloe were just having fun and talking. we had our dig pink game (a fundraiser game for a breast cancer awareness) today and my whole team decided to wear pigtails... i know. i was so against it but my friend aj did bubble braid pigtails for me and i lowkey liked them actually. she made me wear pink bows tho. why. anyways yeah it was fun and everyone was excited and stuff and then we lost horribly to the other team. fair we did not have half of our sophomores since they were all sick but still our team played so much worse than we needed to, including me. i need to work harder because coach is expecting me to be good enough for varsity next year. basically you have fresh and soph year on jv to get ready to make var and once your a junior you have to make var or you don't make the team at all. i get it, at that point you should have worked hard enough to be at that level but it's hard because 7 seniors are going to graduate so they are prob depending on me to be one of the players playing, not on the bench. so yeah i was pretty disappointed in myself. on top of that my friend chloe was crying the whole time because she couldn't play. she had broken her foot earlier this year but now she's off the boot and sort of able to play. it's only been two days tho and coach had her benched in case she hurt herself more. she gets it but it's just that she hates that she missed most of the season. i am not that great at comforting people let alone talk about my feelings coherently and i felt really bad. i wanted to make her feel better and i didn't know how. but for some reason after she was absolutely fine and we were just talking stupid shit like we normally do. everything is so confusing. i am happy that i get a day off to just recollect, take care of myself, and practice volleyball lol because i always have to improve. i am ok, but not good. volleyball is my life and i need to make it next year. i don't know where i'd be (if i'd even be here) without it. shit i just dropped that but i don't care nobody knows who i actually am on this. unless you dox me... uh don't do that i'm poor anyways. so yeah. um i'm listening to gym class heroes and i kinda like them. they ok.
what the fuck it's been too long. i haven't written in my journal in forever either. ughhh today was just boring. i had practice and i felt so tired and sick. i didn't eat breakfast or lunch so thats definetely why. idk i just wasn't hungry. i am not going to be doing much on this website for a long time, i've been so busy i have had no time to do anything. i do post a lot on pikidiary though because it's just easier to post stupid little things haha. i am so tired. i am going to write a journal entry because i should. i haven't written a poem in forever and i'm upset about it, all i can think about is volleyball volleyball volleyball nurse assisting nurse assisting nurse assisting grades grades grades and my whole life just starts slipping away. me and my mom have been fighting a lot. it's like now that one relationship (my dad) has gotten better the other one just falls apart. well, i wouldn't call it falling apart me and her still love each other, she just yells at me a lot lately. idk what i'm doing wrong i just have so much on my mind i can't do everything right. i'm so tired. i think i said that already but i don't fucking care it's how it is.
quick update i got an acc on pikidiary! it's this super cute website where you pretty much just post little updates about yourself. completely underrated there aren't that many users on it, super easy to just socialize and have fun! here's my acc!
just a quick update because i have nothing better to do. life is kinda ass right now. i don't have that many friends. my shop sucks but i want to be a nurse so i need to just suck it up. i got lorde pure heroine and lana del rey born to die (paradise) cds so the little consumer in me is happy at least. i also watched south park last night and it was a good episode. the ads were like ten minutes long tho and it annoyed the shit outta me. fall season is coming and the air in my house is so dry, it hurts to even talk. at least there isn't black mold in the vents anymore yaaay! (i want to run away)
THE JULIE ALBUM IS COMING ON THURSDAY PLUS THE WEEKND'S NEW SINGLE IS COMING ON FRIDAY!!! I AM SO FUCKING EXCITEDDDDD. from some of the singles julie has released they clearly have improved their skills and i am so excited to hear them. i remember reading in an interview that at the time they were still learning their instruments which is insane because their EP is fantastic. anyways i love their sound and i am so excited for the album. and of course who isn't excited for the weeknd single he's literally my generation's michael jackson (i'm not saying he's better, but he's pretty damn close). i do not believe at all that the whole music video was filmed on the iphone 16. it is either EXTREMELY edited or they are just bullshitting us. i really don't care though i am still so excited. um related to music i'm listening to question existing by rihanna and it is literally so fucking underrated. i feel like all of her not party songs are absolutely unappreciated. still it's an absolute banger and i know bangers.
anyways i'm supposed to be doing my math homework right now but i haven't had time to write in my journal, read, or even watch a tv show these past few days. now that school has started i am so busy i will only be able to update a little of this. school makes me want to cry. ok absolutely random but someone will literally say a normal sentence and i will get a song stuck in my head. like the phrase "i want to cry" just popped the chorus to you make me want to die by the shivas in my head. i need serious help.
today really sucks. i made the volleyball team this year, but today was the parent / student athlete meeting and it completely slipped my mind. and we are NEVER supposed to miss anything. i sent an email saying my mom had an emergency at work and couldn't drive me, but idk if coach will reply since it's the summer. my mom surprisingly isn't mad at me, she said it also was her responsibility to remember since it was also a meeting she had to go to. i cried anyways. besides that mess i updated my poetry page. i've written a lot this summer (most of the poems bad lol), and i also revised a few poems from 8th grade. i don't care what people think of them. it's who i am and nothings going to change that. wow i'm feeling really creative today i already have another poem idea. writing just kind of comes to me in random creativity bursts, sometimes i will go a week or a month without creatively writing. then some days a write three poems in a row. it usually depends if i am in a bad mood or not. is it horrible that i write poems whenever i am feeling depressed? lol my 8th grade english teacher thought i would be a great children's story writer. she absolutely knows nothing about how i write. i think i wrote some fake ass poem about camping with my family. those can stay hidden forever in my middle school gmail. i should update my playlists page. i kind of want to change it from a page showing off my spotify playlists to a shrine sort of thing dedicated to my favorite artists. i am so staying up till midnight.
just doing a quick little check in for no reason. i really want to improve the site because i don't like the way the homepage looks. the mood section should be smaller, i think i should split in half and put blinkies on the other side maybe. i also lowkey want to change the big logo. and also the drawer looks ugly. i want the pictures right next to eachother. i have homework now, great. summer's almost over, i haven't had a haircut since idk the winter, my hair is so bad. anyways i am trying to hang out with maeve today. i need to workout too. i lowkey don't even like working out but i guess i have to for volleyball. and anywys it's the only thing keeping me skinny so yeah. i need to get new clothes. last year the whole winter i wore the same 5 sweatshirts every week and someone asked me if i couldn't afford anymore clothes. i kicked him in the balls. but he was popular so people stopped liking me. i really don't give a shit. anyways i kind of want to be able to wear more things so hopefully i can do that soon.
I'M ALIVE I SWEAR. i lost the charger to my computer basically this whole summer. i'm just fucking stupid it's ok. and i mean i guess it's a good thing i lost it because i've focused a lot more in putting entries into my journal. anyways, my summer has been eaten up by volleyball camps basically. i've been so busy preparing for tryouts that i haven't really spent too much time with friends. except for chloe i see her like all the time at this point. i should talk about my visit to california since i was talking about it last entry. well jesse and her family ended up staying because her passport expired so i was with her. it actually wasn't too bad. i mean she talked to me and stuff but she definetely did not want her friends to see me. i have mixed feelings about her. like we were getting along and shit but she was so worried that her friends would see her and stuff. whatever i honestly don't really care. my aunt morna is still aunt morna. her meds make her easily irritated though so sometimes she would get mad and start arguing with my mom over stupid stuff. she would spend a lot of time outside smoking, but i get it because it eases her pain. it's hard seeing her obsess over politics and watch videos on it for hours on end. it's like she finds something to be negative about and goes into the black hole, gets sucked into it. there was this one time she started talking about her childhood and she just kept on talking about this traumatic stuff, not really able to push herself out of the past. i still love her of course, it's just hard to see those parts of her. and she's still the same person she was before. she gave me a bunch of her cds to use and we just talked a bunch about music. lol me, her, and my brother watched family guy together it was so fun. i had to sleep on the couch in her apartment though the whole week which sucked. i'm actually pretty good at sleeping on couches (my one unique ability) but i woke up with a sore neck after the first two days. aunt morna is kind of like the mom of my mom's family. like how there's the head grandma in normal families, except of course my aunt isn't a grandma at all lol. i mean she is the oldest. oh and i also went to a bunch of mexican places and the food was SO GOOD. lol my dad went to 5 different places and had a taco at each one. he called it a "taco crawl" or sum shit, just normal bigback dad behavior.
ok so besides that. well i had two sleepovers with maeve and we watched a bunch of horror movies which was fun. omg the sleepover we had last week we watched american psycho, I HAD NO IDEA HOW MANY SEX SCENES THERE WERE i only had a vague idea of the movie! it was actually really good though, i love the end where you have no idea if he actually killed all those people or if it was just his twisted fantasy. i personally think it's a mix between both. like i think the paul allen murder was a fantasy since the lawyer had dinner with him in london. also the cop shooting was a fantasy because there's no way you can make cars explode with just a handgun. like honestly you have to watch it twice to start to get it. the ending made no fucking sense to me until i went on reddit and had all the smart people explain to me. but now i have to read the book. the book is even more violent than the movie but if the movie was that good then the book must be spectacular.
ok so i totally went on a rant and completely off track. um i went to the mall with trina. i also hung out with chloe too many times. saw bella a few times. she lives on the other side of the city so it's hard. so yeah, thats it i think. life still kind of sucks. i haven't written enough poetry. one day all the poetry will explode inside me and i'll write something half decent. that's usually how it goes. i love the starboy album by the weeknd. yeah i guess it's "basic" or sum shit but he's famous for a reason. i listen to this album all the time it's just so good. the only skip on it for me is false alarm. OK WHY DO I KEEP YAPPING i'm supposed to end the entry lol.
ugh i really hate people. there are some serious rich bitch girls in my shop that i really want to beat up. i could but i also don't feel like getting expelled. i have this additude like i'm just going to ignore them, let them talk, because i have literally a half a week of school left and i don't give a shit. i have been trudging through the mud this whole year and i am just so done.
ok lets keep to my mindset and ignore it. summer is just beyond my reach! i plan on doing a bunch of workouts to keep my body strong for volleyball tryouts. my mom also got plane tickets for california! me, my mom, and my brother are going to go see my aunt. my california cousins will be in spain because jesse has a soccer tournament, and someone needed to be with my aunt. i can't wait to go! i also finally got my norman fucking rockwell cd and i literally listen to it all the time. i haven't made progress with my novella in a while. oh shit i haven't done a journal entry in a while either. ugh and it's been so long since i did a blog update. school is ruining everything. but it's almost over! i just have to keep trudging through the mud i guess.
it's finally june!!! i only have 3 or something weeks of school left, and only ONE WEEK OF ACADEMICS LEFT! I THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR THIS. well that's not just what i thank God for duh but you know what i mean. oh and of course my math teacher gives us a hella hard deltamath for shop week homework right before the end of school. it's in her nature. so yeah i've been doing all my shop week homework today because i procrastinate. great way to spend a sunday lol. whatever school is almost over, i have the summer to look forward to! but um i'm kinda scared because i have to make it to a college for nursing and i have all 70's and below in math. the rest of my classes are 95 and up, im just a dumbass at math. it fucking sucks. i don't think i'm in the right class but idk what to do about that. anyways i want to just ignore that problem right now so i'm just gonna talk about how i might be able to visit california this summer! i'm so excited i love it there. ohhh and i got my 40oz to freedom by sublime cd and my starboy by the weeknd cd in the mail! my mom also got me the songs in a minor by alicia keys and my dad got me skeletons in the closet by the greatful dead. im still waiting for norman fucking rockwell by lana del rey and good girl gone bad: reloaded by rihanna. my collection is growing!
today my dad let me skip school yay!!! um he screamed at me though and he was like "FINE YOU CAN FUCKING STAY HOME BUT IF MOM GETS PISSED IT'S YOUR ASS!" i felt like i was in one of those business drama shows. and of course you know me i'll do anything to stay the fuck away from school. so yeah i finished my english assignment 15 minutes before it was due and the adrenaline was amazing. my brother got the day off without having to be verbally attacked so lucky him. he's with my uncle matt right now. as for me i made a california playlist because i miss california so much. the beaches, the vintage stores, the tan weather like a hug that turned into a comforting cool in the night, the mediterranian tiles. i'm not talking about the city. the suburbs, the country. oh my god the countryland in california is beautiful. tall trees and craggly mountains, broken into peices by farmland stretching for miles. tiny little tea shops hidden between the trees. there was this one that was in the middle of nowhere that selled the most delicious tea, and had a little art gallery with peices from the locals. i miss it so much. i really hope i can come back this summer.
anyways my birthday was a while ago and i got a cd player! i hate spotify so fucking much and i can't handle the ads anymore. i don't have a cd collection yet but i'm so excited. omgggg imma make a list.
albums to buy:
- every lana del rey album. every. single. one.
- currents by tame impala
- jah won't pay the bills and 40 oz. to freedom by sublime
- frogstomp by silverchair
- GREY area and NO THANK YOU by little simz
- 1999 by joey bada$$
- bleach and nevermind by nirvana
- so tonight that i might see by mazzy star
- everybody else is doing it, so why can't we? by the cranberries
- dawn fm and starboy by the weeknd
- heroes and villains by metro boomin
- core and purple by stone temple pilots
- blonde by frank ocean
- igor and flower boy by tyler, the creator
- z, ctrl, and sos by sza
there are like a million more but this entry is already long enough. anyways as you can tell i am super excited to never listen to spotify ever again! oh yeah and another rapper i discovered is joey bada$$. his music is very atmospheric and his rapping is really good. oh and by the way my mom is coming back on sunday! it has been so hard without her. omg without you by lana del rey is playing and i haven't listened to it in foreverrrr. sorry i just had to say that. anyways i am also writing a short story but i already hate the way i'm writing it. the second draft will be better i hope.
wow, its been a loooong time. i have been so busy, especially with my mom gone i have to take care of a lot of things. my tennis season is almost over! i only have one more practice. it was a lot of fun and i am totally doing a bunch of clinics / camps or whatever tennis people do so i don't suck next year. ughhh there was this hot dude that i talked with and he was actually awesome he listens to rock and watches south park like me and then he ended up being a senior. he knew i was a freshman too, thanks dude. whatever we were just talking anyways. and it wasn't gonna happen anyways. he was actually nice too, he wasn't an asshole.
ummmm my digital literacy class just started talking about grooming. uh this is getting weird.
anyways i absolutely can't wait for summer. the weather is so hot already i can't wait to go to the beach. this year i am COMITTING and getting a tan, despite my sensitive irish skin that always burns lol! i will not look like a pale ghost sophmore year!!! it is so weird it literally feels like california even though im in the east coast. i love california and i hope to go this summer! my mom is there right now but she's there for other reasons. i hope she's doing well, the last time i called her she said she really missed being home, and she sounded like it too. she has to stay another week. i feel like i haven't seen her in so long and i miss her too. it's hard when the only other female in your house is your dog, and your dad and brother basically can't fend for themselves. me and mom would tag team it but it's crazy when you have to do it yourself. whatever i'll survive. oh guess what i found a new rapper i am a real fan of! her name is little simz and shes a rapper from england and she's reaaally good. like her verses are so well written. and omg she PULLED UP in her song venom. and she don't rap all about sex like all these industry copy female rappers. like ok megan thee stallion hits but she could expand a little. anyways she's real cool check her albums GRAY area and NO THANK YOU they good as hell.
heyyyy, i'm back! and even more depressed as ever because april break just ended and my bestie's break just started. i am so jealous. anyways break was pretty good! i spent most of my time painting my room. i went through a teal phase when i was 8 and it ended literally a few weeks after i painted the room. then i had to spend 6 years with a color that could cause epilepsy. i changed it into a lavender purple and i like it so much more. i also spent time with my childhood friend bella, we pretty much just messed around with my shit tennis rackets. i also hung out with chloe of course, i literally can't spend a week without either me or her asking to hang out. we went to this dog shelter and snuggled with puppies, it was so adorable! i swear me and this baby husky like linked and i wanted to hide him in my sweatshirt and run away with him. :(
as for today, my teachers decided to load me with a bunch of homework shit as always. surprisingly my english teacher didn't make us present our "creative greek myths" that no one put motivation into. besides haley rose. she literally yapped about greek mythology and percy jackson the whole unit. she's very self absorbed about her grades and how much money she has and "how smart she is". nobody cares dude. anyways me, trina, and gabi basically lacked the whole bio class and just messed around with eachother. trina and i got into a very serious conversation about her music taste. for some reason she loves benson boone, shawn mendes, and the jonas brothers. lol i called her a sephora ten year old that enjoys MCAS. she loves me though she just won't admit it. after school i had a tennis meet! scary thing we lost though, which is the second loss we've had in four years. our coach is going to run us into our graves tomorrow. however me and alex (a friend on the team she's cool) won our jv match, 6 to 1! lol the guys on the other team were making fun of us when they are literally ugly and suck at tennis, and look like 12 year olds. i yelled good game at them when they left without shaking hands with us. lol one kid side eyed me and i waved at him. whatever don't act like an asshole if you can't even win against someone that's only been playing for 4 weeks. so yeah i'm doing pretty good this week. tired as fuck but living. oh my god btw i found these awesome ass bands that all have at least 1 female member (most all female). and they are recent too. i already talked about julie (i love them so much) but i have also found pretty sick, slutever, and dazey and the scouts! they are all punk (besides julie) except pretty sick has some sleaze / 90's grunge / indie rock flare to it too.
most positive entry so far? wow... maybe
GUYS IM USING 0.6 OF MY 1 GB IM SCARED I DON'T WANT TO DELETE THINGS
i finally wrote a book review after doing absolutely nothing with that page. it is on the gathering dark edited by tori bovalino. it's an anthology that came out recently. 2022 or something. it's not that good mostly but a few of the stories were really good. that's what kept me from putting it as a 2 star instead of 3 lol. ugh i wanted to draw but it's so late...
i'm so tired... did i already say that? no. but now i will. i'm so tired...
i drew a little depressing doodle on aggie. i'm actually pretty proud of it... whatever just something to do instead of doing my shop week homework. i had my first day of health assisting which was fun. we didn't do anything actually related to health but the teachers introduced themselves and we did a little group building activities. i mostly hung out with daphne. i need to write so bad. like a story. i feel like the other story i'm writing is falling apart. i just don't connect with it anymore. i do have something that may be better for me. uh it's a little fucked up. not gonna tell you about it though! all i'm going to tell you is that it's a comedy, a horror, and the main character is a pussy frilly girl. and her best friend's whole personality is irish. oh yeah and i already composed the whole soundtrack :)
your probably concerned for me right now. but let me cook. it actually might turn into something damn good.
i just played super mario bros 2 on my old 2ds and remembered how much i suck at videogames. haha that old ds has such funny videos of me when i was little. i think i got it in 2016? but it is so crazy how time flys by. now i'm almost finished with my freshman year of highschool (holy shit). lol i found this video in 2020 of me and my bro learning how to skateboard (i was actually doing it, he was using it as a sled haha). skateboarding was literally my escape during covid, but i don't really do it now. i should probably go back to it, it was so good for me. anyways that ds pretty much has all of my childhood stored in it lol.
i'm uploading these cute little doodle characters i did in my sketchbook to my art page, they look so cute. haven't drawn in that style for a while, i've been focusing on this streetwear cartoon style i've been doing. i made a bunch of playlists for my characters! i should upload them i absolutely treasure them. i literally love all my spotify playlists. omg i literally just talked about them in my last entry but who cares. you can tell i love music, it's just everywhere on my website. i love songwriting. i would be a great singer... if i could actually sing. instead i write these awesome ass songs and cry cause i can't hold a fucking tune. whatever. it's a curse i guess.
OH MY GOSH EVOLUTIONARY POEM IDEA. it's really fucked up, but that's on purpose.
i did it. i added my poetry page. i'm scared but i did it.
GUYS. I DID IT. I REALLY DID IT! I FOUND THE LAYER TOOL ON AGGIE AFTER SO LONG. MY COMPUTER WAS JUST TOO TINY AND I NEEDED TO ZOOM OUT. sometimes i can be really dumb :) . but now i can draw over all my favorite traditional art pieces! i am so happy because i do so much better drawing traditional.
i listened to the whole dawn fm album by the weeknd and it is soooo amazing. i never hear anyone talk about that album (on weeknd standards) which is crazyyy cos it is so good! i made a really good playlist with a lot of those songs and i need to add them to the playlists page. i love my playlists so much, which is why i'm eventually going to make cds out of all of them because i do believe in apocalypses. what happens if all internet shuts down? if all phones, computers, and tvs just stopped working? load up on those damn cds and dvds before they're stripped off the shelves. OH MY GOD I REALLY LOVE MY PLAYLIST. tame impala is so goooooooooooood... list of people to try and forget about is such a beat. it's so weird i have such a massive music taste, i love so many genres. rock (and every single subgenre), rap, rnb, pop (not kiss 108 pop, actual good pop), indie, folk, and lowkey some country music can be good. i will never love kpop though. it is just so... frilly? idk, and most of the songs sound the exact same to me. like there is no emotional, powerful lyrics in it. they like did not spend any time on the songwriting. i have to connect to my music personally, and there is absolutely no connection with kpop for me. also i find it a little wimpy personally. no offense to people who listen! i have absolute respect for everyone's music taste, i just am expressing my opinion lol. i hate it when people say "wow you suck for listening to that". um sorry i live in the usa we are allowed to have free will, how bout you? though uh, i may be second guessing that fact. a lotta rich people out here wanting to ruin our government, take all our money (we got nothing you conceited assholes), and take control of us. so my response is loading up on those cds and dvds.
i got a half day today which was fortunate. still sucked though, duh because it's school. omg my history teacher is so weird with me sometimes. we are learning about our country's peak in immigration, which i find really cool but she literally targeted me. she talked about how the term white was different back then and how irish people weren't technically white back then and went through a lot of racism shit. then she goes "irish people with blonde hair and blue eyes weren't seen as white and often experienced prejudice and hardships" then looked me straight in the eyes. like um thanks for describing my whole appearance it's already pretty obvious you're talking to me. then she kept showing these pictures of poor people in early boston and whenever irish people showed up she would look at me. like uh awkward maybe? lol my ancestors/family wasn't even in the country yet. so yeah she's weird.
so i chose my top shop a few days ago... out of nowhere i decided to ditch business and put in health assisting as my top shop. idk i dont like the idea of doing math and sitting all day. and anyways i like the idea of being a nurse. i don't really have a fear of blood or anything anyways so it'll work for me. and i can always restore gravestones as a backup job. i'm actually visiting my aunt this summer to help her with this huge job she's taking on. this cemetary pretty much asked her to restore every single gravestone they have, and she physically can't do it without some help. i love restoring gravestones. it's really cool seeing the art and carved design that was previously hidden by all the moss and decay. and you get to learn a little about someone from the past, which is like super cool. the first gravestone i restored was for these twins that had died at birth in the 1800's. crazy right!? there were a bunch of other children's gravestones with the same last name which leads me to believe that the mother was somehow giving birth to sick/dying kids. really sad. also i feel like i'm doing sort of a service to these people that have died long ago. like restoring and cleaning those gravestones show a sign of respect. so that they're not forgotten, or something like that.
anyways i went completely off track lol. what i was trying to say was that i chose health assisting, and they tell you if you got into your first pick on friday. if you get called down to guidance before then, that means they are telling you that you didn't get your first shop. 2 more days i have to survive!!! i do not want to be stuck in business. i really feel like being a nurse or an EMT is the right path for me! just figured that out like last week but i'm confident i want this! anyways i can't go back to my old school because the teachers and half the students there hate me anyways. i kind of skipped whenever i wanted to and i think the guys there were scared of me (probably cos i bullied the shit out of them so they wouldn't treat me like trash like they did every other girl). so yeah. going through a bit of a teen crisis right now.
oh also i found this band called julie! they are really new (started in 2020) and they have super cool shoegaze / grunge / art rock music. they have a few super good EPs and singles but they haven't come out with an album yet. i'll wait a million years if i have to they are soooo good
ok one last thing i don't know why the fuck i did this but i wrote a poem about eating nail polish. i don't even remember writing it, it's just in my journal...lowkey i like the poem though :/
STOP THIS SONG IS AMAZING. like, if someone made me the perfect love playlist, this would be the first one. like i literally freak whenever i hear this song. i'm just gonna wait until i'm 20 and free to find some guy to share my music with. that's like one of the biggest green flags for me. hotness number 1 of course, but music taste and personality tied close second. and also like the perfect date for me would just be hanging in his/my bedroom blasting music and just talking about shit. um wait lemme step back into reality. i would never get a boyfriend anyway because i am too much of an asshole to people i like anyway. there was this one kid and we really liked each other and he used to walk me to school and then i freaked out and ghosted him. he tried to hold my hand and i literally fucking flicked it away. and i really liked him it was so gross. i feel gross when i have a crush on someone. like i hate it and i want to puke. blehhh i don't want to talk about this anymoreeee
life sucks.
got to spend the night with chloe. we literally were just blasting nicki minaj and drake and watched this really horrible movie. it was basically about an adult who dates this nerd 18 year old so that his parents give her a car to get back to uber-ing. it sucked. it was called no hard feelings. but it was really nice hanging out with her. today i am just cleaning my room and wasting my time. uh i fixed my blog and added the title! i think i'm going to make titles like that for everything! imma do that rn. i'm also going to draw and journal later.
uh so the seniors weren't far off i definetely had my ass beat. so i guess we are just doing strength training and we haven't even done anything tennis related yet. i am automatically on the team, i just have to perservere through "hell week". and i am the only person who doesn't know how to play! you must be wondering why i haven't mentioned chloe yet.
that's cause she quit :)
like i said, you personally have to make it through hell week to make it on the team. i can't blame her for it. had it been a few months ago and i probably would have too. one of the juniors even said that last year 40 people tried out, and 20 dropped out after the first day. well i'm on day 2! a shitload of motrin and allergy medicine and i'll make it. hopefully. and anyways, the girls on the team are so chill, even the seniors. i didn't really talk to any of the dudes except for one but they all seem non-asshole material. mostly. just watching my back lol.
oh shit, i haven't written in my normal journal in a while. i think i'm going to limit my blog entries to once a week so i make time to write in my actual journal. even though i did write the web adress of my blog in my journal i still feel like i could forget/lose this easily. and anyways i have 3 completely filled notebooks i need to keep up the tradition!!! ooooh i got some good ass song idea that isn't pg at all and could possibly put me in rehab :)
6:35pm: I SPENT SUCH A LONG TIME MAKING A NEWSPAPER CUTOUT TITLE FOR THE BLOG AND THE IMAGE WOULDN'T SHOW UP EVEN THOUGH I DID THE CODE RIGHT AND SO I TRIED TO PUT THE TITLE BACK TO THE OLD VERSION AND FOR SOME REASON THE IMAGE THAT I HAVE BEEN USING FOREVER SINCE I MADE THIS WEBSITE WON'T WORK HERE. I EVEN COPIED THE CODE FROM ANOTHER PAGE THAT WORKS TO CHECK AND IT'S STILL BROKEN. I WANT TO CRY
ugghhhh i have digital literacy. at least we are doing something productive. we're making some survey for our civics project. literally our project is about getting phones in homeroom. i'm so passionate about it! can't wait to be an advocate and a changer in my community! i'm so gungho about being a positive citizen when i'll probably be working at mcdonald's for a career. um i have an actual tennis tryout after school. chloe is allowed to go! at least i have someone to look embarrasing with. we are doing really hard workouts outside and the seniors keep on saying the freshmen will get their asses beat. wonderful. but whatever i need to get my summer bod back anyways lol. ummm i was up all night looking at different neocities websites. cinni.net is so cool! i wanted to play one of her games but it took to long to load :( . i also explored this other website that was pretty cool but i forgot the name of it. it's pretty easy to find so no need to worry. um i then read another short story in rainstorms in july website. i love their short stories so much. i also continued reading omoulo's story which is also really cool. it's in diary format which is really unique/interesting. anyways i gotta go.
uh so i had a meeting for tennis today. of course chloe decides she wants to do it at the last minute. well there were like 4 freshmen and only one of them was a girl, and she didn't even seem interested in talking to anyone at all. the rest of the group was literally more than half dudes which is really annoying. also everyone else knows how to play tennis except for me. what the fuck. whatever. i need to remind myself i'm doing this to stay in shape for volleyball and mentally. i find that i am less depressed when i am in good shape physically. i haven't been working out that much since volleyball season ended and i think that muscle i worked so hard for in the summer is starting to fade a little. i should just suck it up and do tennis. i just have this like... fear towards guys? idk. a lot of shit has happened and i just don't really trust easily. well that's inaccurate i don't trust easily but the second i think we're friends i have no filter and it stabs me in the back. ughhhhhhh. i feel like chloe is my only friend. she's the only person i hang out with outside of school. i literally suck at making friends. i used to have something good with allen but i never met with her outside of school and now i feel it slipping through my fingers. i used to just talk to her and now i can't. it's a me problem.
uh so on a better side i went to the used bookstore a few days ago and got new books! the last time i went there i wanted to get the perks of being a wallflower but i already had 2 books which was enough money. and then they completely changed the layout and i couldn't find it. but they have a clearance sale, so i got to buy 4 books this time! the books were literally 5$ and below. I GOT ONE FOR 50 CENTS. HOW AMAZING IS THAT. they also have a cd and videogame section i have yet to explore even though i've been going there since i was tiny. maybe i'll go next time. anyways, i got the poet x, hunger games: the ballad of songbirds and snakes, op center, and what moves the dead. i got op center and the poet x in clearance. i was suprised to see the latter in there but i think it was because of its battered condition. whatever, a book is a book. i also downloaded this vintage camera app so i took some cute pictures. i love just taking out my camera and snapping every little thing i see. the neighbors probably think i'm a spy but whatever.
wow, talking about the used bookstore actually made me feel better. well now i have to do homework. my happy mood just disappeared.
i'm in history rn and i probably won't have time to write anything, but today sucks like usual. i'll talk about it when i have the time.
listening to tyler, the creator to keep myself awake right now lol. omggg i forgot to do my shop week homework so now i have to do it on a saturday night. i can't believe i haven't written in so long. not ok. ummm i'm writing a short story in here!!! it's a horror one and i'm not going to say much, but there is this really weird plot twist in it lol. maybe it's a little bit of a comedy it's such a weird twist. idk. so today i had a tennis lesson because i'm going to try out for it! just something to do to keep me in shape for volleyball you know, but it's fun! not that good at it yet but my school has a group for kids who've never played before so i'll be ok. the lesson was at 9:00am which sucked but whatever. then i went to the mall with chloe (she really likes the mall lol) and got some stuff. we also tried on a bunch of crazy clothes and took selfies for fun. then i went to her house and played volleyball with her in the street. literally every car that went by gave us a side eye. like bro sorry you don't have a life, but you don't need to be weird to us. my state is filled with assholes. uhhhh i have also been writing my book which is good. i use reedsy which has an organized interface that can also connect you to editors and cover designers! not that my book will ever get published but still the website is good. uggghhhh i changed the name of my icons so they're easier to add but now i have to change all the names in my code. i hate work.
omg i haven't written in forever. i've been busy and shit. i'm supposed to be doing my shop week homework right now but i really don't give a fuck because i have a whole week. my mom doesn't seem to understand that. this past week i had vacation. i went to maine and went skiing and hiking and stuff. my best friend bella and her mom come with us every year, and it was nice being able to see her again. we first met when we were very little and we were both living in boston. then shit got bad and i had to move to a bunch of different places but we still met up with each other a lot. she's gotten a little annoying now that we're older but i love her like a cousin. anyways i can be a brat to her sometimes too so it cancels out fine. i had a super twisted weird dream and i wrote it down in this dream journal page i'm making, but i'm not linking it in yet until i write some more entries. i also drew the title this time and i'm probably going to do that with the rest of my titles. that'll take forever but i will. i also need to just suck it up and add my poetry in here. nobody follows my website anyway so why should they care? i love all the different creative writing websites i can find on neocities. i get to read these different pieces of work that i could never find on fucking amazon or the bookstore. you know, being able to read something unique that isn't just trying to be sold for money or too mainstream. a true artist just wanting to share their art with the world. i love that.
anyways, i should probably finish my notes so it looks like i'm working to mom. ohhhh and i should probably continue on my book. i haven't written in it for a while. i'm thinking of writing an adult cartoon script i've had in my head. it is generally about these kids in highschool in different social lives being absolute shits and doing weird fucking things that would be perfect in a show. it is also very inspired from my personal life. i kinda just want to make an adult cartoon that doesn't follow the stereotype of a funny family like the simpsons, family guy, or american dad (that show sucks). and also highschool can be such a stupid/funny experience i have to write it out. ok though i really need to stop rambling and get my shit done or i'm screwed.
ughhhh i have to do homework but instead i am listening to music, playing papa's sushiria, and blogging. i am so good at not wasting my time! in fact, i just stayed up till 11:30pm for 3 days in a row watching south park and bratz on my computer under the covers. quite a fun experience, i really suggest it. you can find south park on pluto tv which is completely free, and bratz on their youtube channel. ummmmm been listening to my rock playlist and my school escape routes playlist lately. recently discovered flyleaf, garbage, and veruca salt. i mean, i did know garbage when i was really little but i kinda forgot about them for a while. i honestly have nothing else interesting to talk about. well uh i plan on maybe going to sephora with chloe so i can actually have some makeup. all i have so far is 2 lip glosses, a chapstick, and an 8 year old mascara bottle that makes my eyelashes look like caterpillars. thats ok though, i am not really that crazy about makeup. i only wear it on occasion, but i would at least like to have some products that aren't two years younger than me. i also need more sweatshirts. i've been wearing the same 4 outfits every week because i don't have enough clothes, and i think people are noticing. i literally lost my black zippie so now i have to repeat an outfit. kind of embarrasing since a lot of the people in my school have nice clothes... whatever. i can't believe i'm talking about this. i never cared about this shit until now. i used to dress like a hiker in middle school lol. jeans, vests, rainboots, old band sweatshirts that were torn at the ends... crazy kinda. i mean i'm not that crazy, i wear sweatshirts, leggings, sometimes sweatpants and tank tops. i mean... sometimes i miss my old style. in eigth grade i got a bunch of mega hot band crop tops and low rise flare jeans... i also wore these really old reeboks. i still have them, i have kind of an emotional connection haha. in the summer, when it was like 95 degrees they would still make us go out on the turf, and lemme tell you the rubber ground was like lava rocks. me, sammie, laly, and mirabelle would tie up our shirts and lie down under the bleachers to escape the sun... it was so great then. ah and we had sammie's speaker and kiddie camera, and there are just videos of us vibing to soccer mommy, lana del rey, and mirabelle had a massive obsession with melanie martinez. i don't really like her but she seemed cool whenever mirabelle was there. jeez... i never realized how lucky i was till i lost it. hah. i'll never forget that year. maybe i'll write a few narrative poems or a book about it. i just wish things were the same. maybe if i go to heaven i'll live like that again. welp, that'll only take like 76 years or some shit.
so nothing crazy happened so far. i am going to the mall with chloe next week, which will be fun. i really like the band big thief, if you've ever heard of them. they are pretty new, like i think they started in 2020, but i really like them. my favorite song would probably be shark smile, vegas, or true love. adrianne lenker is the singer, and she came out with an album on her own called "songs" and i love that too. i am currently obsessing over her song "anything". they remind me of the cranberries and mazzy star, but a lot of their own thing mixed together. i don't believe that rock music is dead. big thief, wallows, wilt, and surf curse are proof of that. i just think we've gone a little underground right now. but just you wait! rock is taking a new experimental turn and i am so excited to see it come back to light. maybe i'll be a part of it, who knows. i love writing songs and poetry, and i would add it to my website, i am just really scared of people copyrighting it. ughhhh i wish i was born in the 90's or 2000's, rock was still so crazy back then. i mean, i was technically born in the 2000's but i barely remember it. those times must have been so great for teenagers. bleh i am stuck with pathetic 10's and 20's cos i have bad luck. whatever i can just act like i'm a y2k kid lol. i hate how ppl completely changed the term of "y2k" to a fashion style that is completely different. no bro u are 2020's not true y2k. anyways yeah that's pretty it. oooo maybe i should make a big thief shrine, OR A LANA DEL REY SHRINE, OR A MAZZY STAR SHRINE OOOOOO
i am once again in digital literacy. hey at least i'm learning something actually interesting to me. i should figure out more stuff about css but i am so filled to the brim with homework that i have just been able to draw maybe 2 icons a week. i am drawing visuals for the drawer section of the website and i am telling you right now the art is supposed to look trashy because i want to give it an immature/childish look. i can do better i promise :'(
ugghhhh i hate this class. i used to be friends with gallant but she doesn't even talk to me anymore. i am still really good friends with chloe which is nice, and i am good friends with allen i just haven't met with her outside of school. it can be very hard for me to be confident and come up with conversations with people and it really sucks. i just need to shut up about missing my middle school friends because i know i'm never going to see them again. sammie and mirabelle still talk with me but they hang out with each other a lot without me. i'm not jealous, i know it's because they live near each other i just wish i could be with them. i haven't even texted laly since like november. we always talk in the groupchat but she never replies, and i think it has to do with family stuff... i feel bad. damn i just did what i told myself i wouldn't do. also my mom is super pissed about my grades and she is saying that every friday she is going to check my aspen and then decide whether i get to do things on the weekend. like what the actual fuck. grades close today there is nothing i can do about it. she also says if it doesn't get better she'll kick me out of volleyball and that made me want to punch her. seriously volleyball is so much more important to me and you're about to take it away for some useless ass grades. i don't give an absolute shit about my grades. the only reason why i'm not skipping the entire day is because i don't want mom to hang me. honestly things absolutely suck right now.
yessss i got a snow day today!!! pretty much wasted my time watching crap netflix movies with morgan so far. he's outside with the dog right now and for the past 30 minutes or so i have been writing my story. it's probably going to end up being a novel considering the amount of stuff i want to put in there but whatever, we'll see. ummmm i'm supposed to be doing my homework that was supposed to be due today but who cares. idk what to talk about. i went skiing yesterday with my dad and my bro. i don't know if i really like it that much. i mean, it's better than snowboarding, which is what my dad used to make me do when i was little and i was very bad at it. about 3 years ago he finally let me learn to ski and it was so much better. but idk if i still want to do it. i bet my dad would throw a fit if i told him that. whatever i can do it until i turn 18 and then he can't make me do anything. i got a new backpack. i just had to tell mom how much of a dumbass that i looked with it and she let me get a new one. it's one of those jansport backpacks and it can fit a lot of stuff. what else. i started watching the real housewives of new jersey with my mom. it is so funny seeing dirty rich women get into fights with each other over literally nothing. a good brain vacation. i do feel bad for their kids though, having to grow up seeing their moms being ridiculous and thinking that's what being grown up is supposed to look like. i genuinely feel bad. but it's a good way for me and mom to bond because we both love watching stupid tv shows. she loves more of the reality dumb tv shows like married at first sight and top chef, while i religiously watch south park, family guy, and rick and morty. i literally used to watch beevis and butthead as a little kid (probably not a good thing). so she and i together watch the most epic of chickflicks and brain cell killing tv shows. it's fun. i have literally nothing else to write about right now. my life is a little boring currently.
idk what even to write about. ummmm business has been ok. i just can't wait for it to be over. i don't have that many friends at that shop. i'm nice with mia and alexis but they are talking to eachother the whole time. i also broke the zipper on my backpack so i have to walk around like a dumbass who left her bag open. and it won't be a while until i get another one, even though i have had this bag since 6th grade. wonderful. i hate this.
omg summertime sadness by lana del rey is playing right now. me and sammmie slow danced to this song at my 8th grade semi. then we went into the gender neutural bathroom and cried and hugged eachother saying that we didn't want to leave eachother. i fucking love that girl. she's literally one of my best friends. and omg i remember when mirabelle and i laid on the table cos we we're so tired and i said "omg your dress is so pretty" (she was wearing a strapless silver sequin dress she got for 5 bucks) and then she said "you're saying i'm pretty?" and then i fucking blushed and we just laughed. then the teacher came over and asked if we we're drunk lol. and then laly suckerpunched michael because he grabbed phebe's ass... dude kept saying "no i didn't she's so ugly" but phebe fucking saw him. he had a nice looking bruise the next day. goddamnit i miss them so much. i actually felt so free around them, and i did not give an absolute shit what other people thought of me... i wish i was still like that. things change, i guess.
i have business this week and it isn't that bad. in one of the classes we get to watch the apprentice where donald trump challenges these entrepeneurs so that he can find a president for one of his companies and it is so hilarious seeing donald trump try to act. then we do multiple projects, and the 3 im doing right now is "buying" and tracking stocks, creating a company, and creating a product. for my company i am making a music app where new artists post their music and listeners like it or dislike it, and you also have the opportunity to donate to the artist. this helps artists earn money and become successful without having to use a record label. for my product (the teacher said the product didn't need to be realistic) i have a color changing concealer that perfectly matches your skin tone. omgggg sunday by cranberries just played on my playlist and i love them sooooo much!!! i'm listening to my rock 2 playlist. I also have lunch with allen, trina (in my bio class we recently became friends), and Cana (daphnes friend thats friends with me now, shes in my gym class). aghhhhh look on down from the bridge is now playing i loveeee mazzy star. lol i love all the songs on this playlist. i need to listen to this one more. anyways everything is going normal i guess i just wish the weekend was closer. i absolutely hate school.
speaking of hating school i had to finish my math test in homeroom right, and i knew that i got most of the questions wrong so i thought i would study and then fix them, but my dumbass teacher CORRECTED ALL THE WORK I DID and then let me do the last question i couldn't get to. THE FUCK. i was in danger f failing and this test is so getting me failed. i know it. the thing is, i am in the 90's with the rest of my classes, it's just this one that i fucking suck at. i hate this. blondie save me.
it is finally snowing! it is sooo heavy and now it actually feels like i'm living in the state i'm in haha. i threw a snowball in my brother's face as a joke and even though we were doing it to eachother a bunch, my mom saw and is now taking my phone away for a week. great. and i had to shovel the deck, which will just snow up again by tonight. would love to take a pic and share it, but the phone. maybe i can find a way to twist my computer and take a shot out my window. aaggghhhh the neighbors are here because their power went off and their kids are such brats. literally the girl just asked "do you have a charger to use my ipad? can i use your game system?" omg live your life and get off the systems. when i was a kid the most i got out of the screen was an occasional strawberry shortcake episode or sneaking in a spongebob or jessie. those were the days lol. being stuck outside through a blizzard or a drought and finding a way to make fun. during covid (i was in 5th and 6th then omg) i taught myself to skateboard in my yard and it was so much fun. i don't skateboard though anymore. my brother uses it instead... OMG DID HE LEAVE IT OUT IN THE YARD!? AAAAAGHHH... i still have an emotional connection to it!!! i'll make him get it (most likely i'll have to get it myself) once everyone settles down. let's see if i survive this.
ugh i had to delete my wallpapers page because my gb (gigabytes i think? i just know it's storage) went from 0.1 to 0.8 out of 1 gb and i was like omggg i'm not wasting my website on that but i was also so sad because i love my wallpapers even if they are made from canva lol. from now on imma try to draw out most of my images. gives that messy/handmade look to my website haha.
6:16pm: ugghhh i am so tired. morgan can be so annyoing and loud around younger kids. he just lowers himself to their level kinda. we we're "playing" table tennis and the whole time he was screeching in a purposefully squeaky voice christmas songs and was trying to make the kids speak spanish. meanwhile i was super sleep deprived and was trying to sleep on the table and failed. omg the girl (sadie) was wearing a crop top sweater and a lululemon fanny pack and she is like in 4th grade. she was also wearing eyeliner and mascara. like i don't even wear makeup on a regular basis. i want to tell her to just stop worrying about her appearance at such a young age and that she has so much of her youth to enjoy but i don't think her mother would appreciate that. she also brags about being on a cheer team and i can just see her turning into one of those mean attention seeking girls... it's really sad honestly cos she was actually an enjoyable little kid when she was in 2nd and 1st grade. things change, i guess.
i actually want to cry. i have been embarrassing myself this whole time during this school year and somehow each time one of my teammates are watching. like that can't even be a coincidence anymore i have genuine bad luck. i really hope my teammate didn't notice because what happened is so embarrassing i can't even write it down. i just wish i could move to another state far away where nobody knows me and i can actually have a better life. i had my test in math today and i couldn't even finish it and i knew i was screwing up so bad and i almost cried. i really miss my old middle school friends. i miss bella, who has been my best friend since we we're born. we are pretty much sisters at this point. it just really sucks because all of those friends are either on the opposite side of the city or in the city and i am on the complete different side of them. i hate this. my good friend chloe is in only one of my gym classes and while i do hang out with allen a lot, we haven't met outside of school yet. it just really sucks and i just want to die. not actually but... you get the feeling. by the way i think i am just going to delete the google images i used as a placeholder before i draw the items because i want to use as less storage as possible. AND OMG IDEA i should have a page of all my playlists and even their images. this website really is my escape.
today was pretty normal. i dreaded going to school but despite my fears it wasn't actually that bad. i hung out with allen during gym and her friend, and she seemed pretty nice towards me. idk her name but it's good to get to know more friendly faces. i wrote some more poetry in my paper journal and if i have enough time tonight i will probably add it to my poetry collection. i also want to draw a few designs and put them in this website instead of grabbing some free google images lol.
we are actually starting a poetry in english which is fun! but we have to do lyrical and free verse poetry and honestly i hate writing lyrical poetry. i mean, i'd probably be better at it now but i just hate that i have to come up with specific rules and rhyme schemes for my poems. i kind of just like to spit words out and see if it works good. and i know i will have some fun during this unit (finally, fun in class!) but i can't ever write poems as well when there are guidelines. i don't ever do well with guidelines lol. and it just doesn't feel the same. in my poetry unit in eighth grade we had all these specifications on what had to be included in the poetry and you have to describe all it's inspiration in the reflection, and that was supposed to be free verse! it didn't really feel the free in free verse that unit. funny that the teacher said my poems were amazing and should be published when i didn't really like them myself. kind of reminds me of that episode in my so called life. for those who don't know, it's a tv show from the 90's about a girl making her way through highschool and it is definetely one of my favorite shows ever. in the episode, the english teacher was making them write poems for the school annual poetry book and angela (the main character) had half heartedly written a poem about a tree. the teacher was all like "omg that's so good i love that" and her mom was like "omg this tree poem is fantastic" and angela didn't really feel that way. i forget what happened specifically but somehow the teacher had to leave school for a long time and their substitute had to take over. then he changed the whole thing and got the students to write real poetry, about their emotions and experiences and said that the students could write poems as dark or innapropriate as they want to because "the ugly parts of poetry are sometimes the greatest" or something like that. then they had to present them anonymously. one of them was from the resident innocent pick me girl (sharon i think) and it ended up being this pretty beautifully written poem about sex lol. angela writes a poem about a girl in a gingerbread house who leaves to find that everyone is made out of paper. everyone was laughing and saying it made no sense but at the end of the episode we find out that it is about how everyone is living bland and boring lives, completely unnaware and unprepared for the problems that underly their life. the part that really struck me was that the principal fired the substitute teacher and never published the annual school poetry book, and when the old teacher came back she made them re-write their old poems and publish those. that episode will always have a place for my head, i think. i can't believe i just wrote a whole paragraph about poetry and pretty much reciting a my so called life episode. seriously though, you should watch it, especially if you love highschool drama and shows from the 90's.
wow. it's 2024. i really don't feel too much of a difference, but i know i have changed a lot from the person i was in 2023. i feel almost like every year i develop into a completely different person. like myself in the past wasn't myself at all. i used to not give a shit about my appearance, or whether people liked me or not, or whether i was being too upbeat or too depressed for people. i honestly wish i could just go back to eigth grade and stay there forever. it was just me and my friends against the world. i feel like they protected me in some ways. like no matter what happened we would always be there for eachother and everyone else could fuck themselves. we still see eachother, and it's like a blast to the past whenever i see them. like we can just talk to eachother, or even say nothing at all and our friendship would still be as solid as it was back then. but things are just different now. i don't have them to watch my back anymore. i have this genuine fear when i go to school that something terrible will happen. i look at myself in the mirror and see this ugly monster staring back at me. and i'm honestly getting really concerned with my fear of men. i have seen pretty nasty things happen and i have almost been the victim of it, and i can't just look at a man the same way anymore. i want to feel comfortable around them. i want to be able to talk to them and not count the steps between us. i used to only have male friends, believe it or not! i think it's a combitation of my personal insecurities and the trauma that's been built up in me. my mom keeps on telling me that this will be my year and she believes i will develop myself in positive ways but all i see is everything going in the other direction. i mean, i'm already in danger of failing my math class and it's only been the second term of the year. i am making good friends with chloe and allen. that's something at least. writing and drawing are really my only escape from this. and of course seeing and talking to mirabelle, sammie, and laly. it's nice to just let go and pretend everything is going well with them.
well, christmas break went kind of well. i mostly hung out with stacia because jesse was in her room the whole time doing god knows what. she's this popular chick now which i mean good for her but she kind of ignored us most of the week. she hung out with us more during the end of the week but i dunno, she's just different now. stacia is still a psycho but she is actually so much fun. i wish i could be as outgoing and as positive as her. we were on the beach one day and i was just talking with her, and she told me she's had five boyfriends and one girlfriend. how the hell does she do that at 12 years old in seventh grade, when i've never even been in a relationship! pretty funny. alex was pretty chill. we just played football (really it was just me trying to play football and him making fun of me haha). jason wasn't that bad surprisingly. i mean he's still kind of an asshole but i think he grew up slightly. he's still as immature as a toddler though. i'm not going to give him credit for that. and morgan didn't beat him up. they actually got along pretty well. it did suck though because my fucking dad would not back off on me. he loves to just point out whenever i do something wrong or something that is not the way he does it, and he always makes me do the work and never asks morgan. so of course as a result i don't act all happy and perfect for him, and then he whines to anybody and everybody possible how much his daughter hates him and has such a moody attitude. he cannot be fucking talking. i breathe and he finds a way to yell at me and make me the bad guy. literally we were doing mini putt one day and i was seriously sucking at it, so i decided to just mess around and joke instead of taking it seriously. literally all i did was make a fake golfing position and pretend like i'm going to slapshot the ball and then not. he yells at me to stop being a bitch, then brings me inside the house and pins me against the wall and yells at me for "sabotaging a nice day" and "being an asshole". then he tells me that i embarrassed him in front of everyone for "purposely making him mad". excuse me it's your problem that you can't take a fucking joke. then the next day he forces me to take a walk on the beach with him to "fix things". all he does is whine about my bed not being made, and when i don't talk to him he says "can you please just act like we like eachother?". nice job fixing things. i guess fixing things is pretending to like eachother and put a bandaid on it. whatever. no one can ever be good enough for a guy like him. i guess i'll just deal with him until i'm 18 and then move to california and start my own life. that's what i think i'm going to do. move to california where no one has an opinion about me and i can start fresh. anyways california is literally my version of heaven so no one can stop me from going. as for today, i have no school so i'm going to sit back and relax, maybe add my traditional drawings to my art gallery, maybe finish a chapter on the story i'm writing, and maybe work out. today is going to be great.
